Tag Archives: feeeeelings

A Reason & A Season… I Guess

There have been lots of moments this past month where I’ve thought “Oooh, I’ll blog about that!” but nothing ever comes to fruition. I’ve been hitting the gym hard when I go, and I feel good about that. I’ve started working on a really awesome project at work that could pan out to be sometime even more awesome. I’ve got a trip coming up soon to Las Vegas, somewhere I’ve never been, and I’m excited to see all of Nate’s family when we go. I’m starting a fun personal project that I can’t wait to share with everyone. But no, I just don’t feel like writing about any of those things. Each time I think I should write I just don’t.

There has been something on my mind for about 3 months now, and I’m guessing maybe I just need to write about it. I brush it off as something that just happened, but then it comes back into my mind all the time. As often as I’ve brought it up “in passing,” and have gotten confused looks from my family and friends… I think I just need to get it out as best as I can.

Have you ever heard the term “Vaguebooking?” If not, this will be similar to it, but on a larger scale, I guess, since this is my blog.

About three months ago I got my feelings hurt by a good friend. I’ve been working for a long time on being more honest, less timid, and on addressing things that need to be addressed, even though it’s painful for me. Instead of stewing about it, I mentioned it to my friend. Now, three months later I’m down one friend. I don’t understand what happened, and it wasn’t until recently that I realize how much this has effected me.

I try to remind myself that people come into our lives for a wide variety of reasons and for all lengths of time. I try to remind myself that all friends can successfully be “easy” friendships, made up of times where you visit and see each other often and times where it doesn’t work out, but it is still okay. I remind myself that people have lots of things going on in their lives, and that sometimes there just isn’t enough time for people to be present for all of their friends. I guess it just doesn’t feel like any of these things are applicable in this situation.

When I was a teen I remember crying to my dad about my personality and how awful it is. I got tired of not being able to be what people wanted me to be. I clearly remember him telling me a memory he has of me standing at the end of our driveway just watching a group of kids walk by with this look of longing. I remember doing that. I’ve never forgotten that moment or his recalling that moment, because it perfectly sums up the way I feel. I’m always looking on, waiting for friends to come to me, or waiting for friendships to get better, wanting to be liked and appreciated by everyone.

I think about that defining memory a lot, especially when I’m having a day like I’ve been having for the last few days. I don’t have to wait around for people to be my friend: if I want someone to be my friend I have to first be a friend to them. I have to give what I want to be able to take. I feel like I’m pretty good at doing that with my friends, and when I’m not being a good friend, I enjoy that my friends feel okay telling me so.

It is HARD to tell people how you feel, especially hard to tell friends. What if that friend doesn’t take it well and gets upset? Or worse, what if that friend apologizes… then disappears from your life? The life cycle of a friendship is something I’ll never understand. I’m trying, though.

Confrontation & Being an Introvert

I am an introvert.

I’m not the life of the party, I hate being the center of attention, and I won’t be the first to initiate a conversation, if I can help it.

But if I’m at a party, you better believe I’ll have a good time. Possibly too good of a time. I want to make sure everyone else has fun, too. While I don’t want attention focused on me I do want recognition… doesn’t everyone? If you want to talk to me, just do it; I’ll listen until you have no words left, and then I’ll talk until the cows come home.

Have an issue? *cringe* I hate confrontation. If I have a reaction I’ll probably go to a friend and sulk about it and whine, a lot longer than a normal person would. But I typically don’t address things… or at least I didn’t used to. I’ve made great strides in the last year or so in working toward being a better person, a calmer person, but I’m not perfect.

Things used to bother me all the time. And what made it worse was that I never addressed things with people unless I couldn’t handle it… and if that was the case, watch out. It was like popping a cork, and I would go ballistic on people with no warning. That wasn’t fair, and it was exhausting. I have to say that while confronting someone is still an exhausting task for me I’m working on it and I think I’m getting better at it. I’m trying to become a happier, more productive person.

 fitterhappier copy

That’s it, really.

Just when you think you’ve had enough

Everyone has times when you think things are bad, and then they just get worse. It’s been like that for me lately. I hate to be a downer, but my job is hard. Being a full-time working mom is hard. Getting housework done is hard. Personal issues I’ve recently had are hard. Stuff’s just hard, man. But just when I thought I’d had enough things start to get better: stuff at work that wasn’t working for so long is… better. Just when I was feeling crappy, a coworker took the time to tell me I’m appreciated.

I know a woman named Jennifer. Jennifer is calm, hilarious, peaceful, sarcastic, smart, sympathetic, and thoughtful. I love working with her because she is always ready to listen, share empathetic stories, give her honest opinion, and take action in whatever way you need her to. Jennifer always has a funny story or humorous idea; some of my favorite work moments involve Jennifer’s humor. She purchased some bump-it’s once and tried them in my hair. Now, if you know my hair, you know why that’s funny. I probably had the highest, tangliest, bumpiest bump ever. Another time I brought in one of my wraps (my Dolcino, my first real woven) and she photographed me posing with some library babies. She’s such a great photographer… I can remember helping her get pictures off her digital camera a few times, so of course I got to check out her pictures. She’s amazing at taking pictures of anything! I’m lucky to be her Facebook friend, because I constantly get to read stories and see photos she’s taken while on nature walks.

20140612-191354-69234995.jpg

Before my 30th birthday last fall I started thinking a lot about what happens to us when we die. Morbid, I know, and yeah… I’ll save the details for another post. Jennifer is a co-pastor for a Quaker church with a lot of theology knowledge, an open mind, and a peaceful demeanor. I talked to her briefly about my concerns, and I’ll never forget how she responded when I told her my fears, and asked her, “what happens to us when we die?” Her response: “I don’t know.” She told me her thoughts and hopes, but she never made me feel stupid, or like I should be fearful, or like I was bad or wrong for not already having a firm belief. I still don’t know what I think, and I wonder about it a lot. But I’m not as lost anymore, and I know I can depend on her to talk it out any time.

Jennifer knows how hard work has been for me lately, and today as I headed back to my office to get my things ready to leave I was surprised to find her in there. “Hey, I was just writing you a note,” she said. “It says ‘I bought you some cookies. Of course I had to try one. Then I had another but I couldn’t finish it, so I only had half.'” Totally Jennifer. So giving, but so honest and funny at the same time. I told her she didn’t have to so that, and she said, “it’s just some cookies.”

Jennifer lied. It was more than cookies. First of all, the gift came with a hug. I’m not one to ask or offer hugs often, but each time I share one with someone I remember how great they are. Once I got to my car I opened the gift bag and shared some cookies with Atticus and Trent. I told Trent that Jennifer had given them to us. He knows Jennifer because he likes to share his crazy jokes with her and play shy with her. We went back in to thank her, then left. It wasn’t until later that I saw what else was in the bag: a delicious looking tea drink I can’t wait to enjoy. I love tea! And the best part… a Jennifer original photograph.

20140612-194830-71310203.jpg

I first saw this picture when Jennifer shared it on Facebook. I showed this to Trent and asked what he saw and he said “some trees.” Then his face lot up. “A heart, mommy!” He said that it was nice of Jennifer to give it to me.

Jennifer also included a note, which made me cry. She said something really important, something I want to remember and something I hope others take away from this.

I think people don’t realize that they are making an impact on others unless the ‘others’ tell them. So, I am telling you!

She’s right. And I bet she didn’t know how much her thoughtfulness meant to me, how hard things have been and how wonderful her words felt to read, and just how perfectly timed she was. Actually, I’m sure she knew. Jennifer’s too smart not to. She always notices the little things.

She is a good woman. I’m so glad to know her. Thanks, Jennifer.

Suffering is Optional

I finished a book today (that hardly ever happens anymore) and I really want to review it here, but I just can’t do it right now.

I’m having a hard time lately. I’m less than happy in some aspects of my life and my anxiety is through the roof. I’ve always had depression and anxiety and they both come and go. Actually, that’s a lie; they never completely go. They are present and they’re really present. Right now both seem to be really present.

I try to remind myself that my happiness is defined by me. A wise woman (I wonder if she’ll read this?) once told me that suffering is optional. I am not suffering. I have a lot to be happy about.

  • I have amazing kids. They are funny, charming, and inspiring people.
  • My entire family is caring and supportive. Kids, husband, parents, sister, grandparents, in-laws, extended family… all wonderful.
  • I have a job I love in which I receive the respect I deserve. It allows me to practice my current skills, build new ones, and work my creativity.
  • My coworkers are fun and quirky and I love working with all of them.
  • I own my own wonderful home and it keeps us all warm and happy and we have plenty of space.
  • My dogs are hilarious. They’re currently alternating chasing each other and resting on their beanbags.
  • I have several really close friends in all areas of my life that make me feel good about myself, my decisions, and even about my mistakes.
  • I’m not sick or unhealthy, and neither is anyone close to me.

Life is good. What more could I ask for? I just need to repeat that until it feels real.