There have been lots of moments this past month where I’ve thought “Oooh, I’ll blog about that!” but nothing ever comes to fruition. I’ve been hitting the gym hard when I go, and I feel good about that. I’ve started working on a really awesome project at work that could pan out to be sometime even more awesome. I’ve got a trip coming up soon to Las Vegas, somewhere I’ve never been, and I’m excited to see all of Nate’s family when we go. I’m starting a fun personal project that I can’t wait to share with everyone. But no, I just don’t feel like writing about any of those things. Each time I think I should write I just don’t.
There has been something on my mind for about 3 months now, and I’m guessing maybe I just need to write about it. I brush it off as something that just happened, but then it comes back into my mind all the time. As often as I’ve brought it up “in passing,” and have gotten confused looks from my family and friends… I think I just need to get it out as best as I can.
Have you ever heard the term “Vaguebooking?” If not, this will be similar to it, but on a larger scale, I guess, since this is my blog.
About three months ago I got my feelings hurt by a good friend. I’ve been working for a long time on being more honest, less timid, and on addressing things that need to be addressed, even though it’s painful for me. Instead of stewing about it, I mentioned it to my friend. Now, three months later I’m down one friend. I don’t understand what happened, and it wasn’t until recently that I realize how much this has effected me.
I try to remind myself that people come into our lives for a wide variety of reasons and for all lengths of time. I try to remind myself that all friends can successfully be “easy” friendships, made up of times where you visit and see each other often and times where it doesn’t work out, but it is still okay. I remind myself that people have lots of things going on in their lives, and that sometimes there just isn’t enough time for people to be present for all of their friends. I guess it just doesn’t feel like any of these things are applicable in this situation.
When I was a teen I remember crying to my dad about my personality and how awful it is. I got tired of not being able to be what people wanted me to be. I clearly remember him telling me a memory he has of me standing at the end of our driveway just watching a group of kids walk by with this look of longing. I remember doing that. I’ve never forgotten that moment or his recalling that moment, because it perfectly sums up the way I feel. I’m always looking on, waiting for friends to come to me, or waiting for friendships to get better, wanting to be liked and appreciated by everyone.
I think about that defining memory a lot, especially when I’m having a day like I’ve been having for the last few days. I don’t have to wait around for people to be my friend: if I want someone to be my friend I have to first be a friend to them. I have to give what I want to be able to take. I feel like I’m pretty good at doing that with my friends, and when I’m not being a good friend, I enjoy that my friends feel okay telling me so.
It is HARD to tell people how you feel, especially hard to tell friends. What if that friend doesn’t take it well and gets upset? Or worse, what if that friend apologizes… then disappears from your life? The life cycle of a friendship is something I’ll never understand. I’m trying, though.